Why I want to Choose recovery

I'm trying to figure out why I choose recovery why I'm trying to let go of the past why I'm trying to choose God over Me. I swear I sabotage myself with steely knifes (figuratively)(war within) if could, inside there's a war worse than spy vs. spy. Its like every day I need a fix of something to fill the gap to give me a little pleasure and subdue the pain or frankly the numbness. Sometimes I  like trouble because I get bored. I have forgotten my God I don't why keep coming back to the old me while trying to fight for the new me. Why I go therapy, take drugs for bipolar, read the bible at least 2-3 times a week, praying every night God change me. Sometimes I wounder were my hunger went for God or Recovery Ive probably been in it for so long. Its become a repetitive habit something you do out of habit. I want to fall in love for a life time now at the moment I don't know how. I'm tried of emotionally sabotaging myself.