Dear God
Were did my drive go as I look in retrospect I realize I'm morally wiser today than I was yesterday but intellectually stupider than I was the day before. I read some high school paper old drawings I used to be so creative ambitious POSITIVE even. Now Ive wanted the American dream so badly couple that with wanting children I choose to forget were I am in reality. Maybe that is why I feel the shame in my bones when they read my diagnosis or people point out the imperfections in me maybe I was not built for a step ford wife. I can pretend and play happy with all the others, bake, cook and hopefully learn to have sex well with my( future ) spouse and strive to be the best at it. I fantasize so much of perfect and how it the look of it (looks) more than anything. I often forget were I am here and now.My life isn't perfect, my bed isn't roses or any other bloom for that matter my bed it is a firm mattress, and as reality set in I want to cry because I cant control everything. Not like in the fantasy I've wanted to build and gave up my life for and time for pretending.
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