God Loves Me GRRRR

SO I realize God definitely loves me me has always provided everything ive ever needed .. Want however are another thing . Its hard sometimes to wait for the very thing you want sooooooooo baldy is the most painful thing but knowledge wise it is the best. I tend to jump from relationship to relation boy to boy i haven't yet met a man. Maybe because I am not yet a woman so I attract what apart of me is . But then again apart of me isn't . I just have never been alone and content . I should be though I need to be happy with myself and who I am today . God want me to wait and I swear some days are harder than others . I know im not ready for a relationship or marriage but between the God shaped hole that cant be filled and the sense of loneliness well ???? I don't know whether to read the bible more or pray or what ... I'm not alone I have friends family and a very full life .. So what the point waiting wouldn't be such a very bad idea but im so impatient forgive me for my complaints discipline is so hard for me and i fear every one else in the world ...

The Good life

What is the good life ? In my 21 years of age I feel lost so many decisions so many choices and it doesn't get any easier  one day at a time but when it comes to thousands of dollars of debt in college you have to choose you cant dilly dally around . Plus distraction like men , ideas feelings of misplacement and well everything else its like were do you go from here?College isn't easy , neither is life I think about my future what i want kids , a family a good job low stress and a good income but in essence what i am i doing to prepare for that I always want, want, want, and what do I need and how is it going to fit into my life ? Honestly 21couldnt be harder in trying to find the thing that fit me and my personality versus what i need to do in life Lord help me ...  

Chapter 14 Men and the Army

There are 2 things I regret in life one letting the men in my past control my actions future actions and as times joining the Army I'm not trying to sound unpatriotic here. But I'm not the best solider I'm to nervous with weapons I fail at ground guiding and never smile in my uniform honestly at times I don't like the thanks I get from people... Why? because I haven't earned it and never will I will never deploy , because of my mental health  and so far to my company I feel and seem useless and miserable and truthfully I feel at times I am not because of the army but because of how I'm not good at doing anything in the army. I can drive salute and remember things medically pertinent to my job but hate stress in fact cant function under it and don't do well with authority that I have to impress because I stress out plus when i get nervous everything seems to fall apart quickly then I make an ass at my self not because i try too but my memory isn't good. Its not an IQ thing or in fact   its the way I learn thing I do better with out stress or being in front of people and with repetition. Also when I tend to just do things and not think about them I seem to carry more control more calm. I want to be good , at anything i tend to do but in life i have my priorities thus far school, work, family , myself , God , friends, military, roommates ext ext.Military I tend to put last on my list why because I don't  enjoy it and it all goes back to because I'm not good at it which goes back to I don't function well under stress or authority or people that intimidate the crap out of me for no apparent reason.I love the military in general and what it stands for . but in the end I've come to the realization it is not for me I don't feel like a solider I don't do well at it and I'm not enjoying it most of the time... Again its not the early wake up formation chow rules I can do good behavior I'm just not good solider wise what people will you at how you carry yourself in uniform how you shoot your knowledge about the military how you lead most of all people like looks they like the facade but in the end im not one to put up a facade or looks I am what I am. Artistic , funny , strong willed , stubborn, Loveable , transparent ,nervous,  a good friend , a good daughter, soft spoken, kind , giving, intelligent, beautiful... I'm a lot of things good things ask the people who really know me if you really know you would know my characteristics my weaknesses my humanness. Any one who thinks different can honestly at this point kiss my ass. You don't know me and what Ive been through my plans the tears Ive put in school work or even the army. Yes at one point I did try sometimes you can only fail so many times until you realize this wasn't your calling you should have listened to the voice deep inside you but i did it and I intend to finish my promise to the government i swore to God myself and my country, in all that life tried to bend me over and i fought back with the strength of God. It is my duty and obligation to do what is right tend to the promises I make its hard sometimes.                     

Bird Call

I look for your chirp
Little bird
Little Bird
WHO WHO WHO
I look for your chirp
WHO WHO WHO
Once upon a time we were ONE ONE ONE
Little Bird
Little Bird
I'm looking for end
Of  the hole in my HEART
The consuming Enemy of the
DARK DARK DARK
OWL eye's
Call me to Darker place
But LIGHTS ARE were they see your face
Can you call me one more time
Lead me to the candle light
Don't let the holes consume the last of me
With one last breath I ask you to
LEAD LEAD LEAD

Chapter 12 Three Years

Its funny what happens in 3 years. The mistakes you make in life , how you live your life , the consequences that come back to haunt you . Today I had and STD scare I will get my results on Friday because of what I did three years ago I pay today. Now I hold the responsibility of telling the people I might have infected . All for sleeping with some one who wasn't worth it I beg anyone who reads this please RESPECT your body and HEART. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO SEX ADDICTS . THIS IS THE PRICE THEY PAY.. I WARN YOU DON'T BE LIKE ME. IN FACT I BEG YOU DON'T BE LIKE ME. IT ONLY TOOK ONE TIME FOR SOME ONE I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE and NOW I MIGHT HAVE AN STD.THE WORST PART IS I MIGHT HAVE INFECTED THE MAN I LOVE AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART.I WISH I MET YOU BEFORE I MET HIM I WOULD HAVE NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU LIKE THIS.THREE years ago the mistakes I made have now come back to haunt me I'M 21 my name is ALEXA ROBLES I'M MORE THAN MY MISTAKES TRIALS ERRORS CONSEQUENCES AND WORDS I'M HUMAN.      

Chapter 11 Depression and the Music that Soothes the Soul

 I realize I am on a binge the truth is emotionally I am in a allot of emotional pain. The more pain I'm the more I like to hurt myself emotionally because the temporary make me feel in the physical since or even in my the emotional since good . Like cutters who cut themselves to release the rapid pain. I feel in a since dead and alive wondering when will I let my past realise me ? Or will this be an ever battle where I slip and fall and chase my tail looking for the anecdote. The truth is today I looked at my past and all of its dark chapters I wonder how Ive ever came out as "healthy" as I have been but in this binge I hurt more than ever. Like performing an operation on your self one can never succeed without doctors and nurses to help heal and for myself honestly fixing myself is futile. I would have succeeded by now so I listen to music and want to cry its the only thing that soothes at the moment.   

I'll Make You A Believer

Sticks and stones may break your bones
Break your bones
Break your bones
The bleach of the sun may white the bones
White the bones
White the bones
I'm promise I'm no deceiver ill make you a believer
The tears of the sun are on my back
On my back
On my back
The tears of the sun of on my back
On my Back
On my Back
Ill make you a believer that I am no deceiver
Im a re-liver unless you make me your forgiver
Not looking for perfection in human reflection
As ashes rise mud may fall
Mud may fall
Mud may fall
Come on now make me your believer that I am no deceiver
The wolf he will prowl and then he'll bawl
For losing you is the hardest fall
Hardest fall
Hardest fall
Make me your believer trust that I am no deceiver  

The Long Mile

My Feet bleed In bound leather as cracked as my feet .
I Cry in Pain
As The winds cry carry your cross
The Dust sucks the moisture of my cracked lips
How Far did I abandon you ?
How Far did I leave?
Did I not think the Pods from pigs were bad enough?
No I went lower
The Vultures hover over me there my only shade of relief
They Try to blanket me like a tree
The Long mile has turned to 2 3 4 .
In God I keep in hope
Yet I do not walk the strait and narrow
I do not know how to succeed permanently
For every step I take there is an another one
For every mile I walk there is another one
I road is long and waters scarce
As My faith Dwindles
The Lord preaches with the Cacti and prickly pears near rivers and streams
Redemption to bleeder, Redemption  to the believer
Redemption to the hopeless
Redemption to the honest
Redemption to those who cry out to me
I hear the sermons of the Long mile

The Trembling

The Earth Shakes when ever I look at you
The Cracks in me get deeper
The Brown earth in my mind shakes
The Tremors leaving empty cracks
The Darkness looks like stains
Amoung the Canyon tops
The Redness of the Mountains
Reminds me of the pain
The Sharpness of the shadows
The Howling keeps me awake
Like Insanity
Like pleasure
Like the illness the festers
Like the hope tied around my neck
Like a horrible noose Its keeps me running
Screaming for my life
Gods trembling shaking the Earth
" work out your salvation with fear and trembling;"
Philipians 2:1

Chapter 10 Why We Do What We Do?

1 John 1:9 ESV / 53 helpful votes

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

 I didn't realize how enchained I am in my own sin. Honestly my new addiction has caused a massive internal battle that was aways there I guess in the midst of my internal thoughts and emotions. Sex is a massive issue in my life something God made for pleasure  love, and procreation turned on me. Or actually I let it turn on me. I was "clean" for A week and Ive been thinking how serious do I take my recovery?

Spiritually mentally sexually ?  I hate to break it to you but porn is not apart of a healthy sex life it causes allot of damage mentally, destroys relationships and worst case scenario family's. I need to get a grip and make a choice and get help to see what the real issue is because I went from porn to alcohol to men to this agian.

 Its like every addiction I have and happen to stop, a new one pops up or a relapse on an old one. Like an old familiar stain . Like I said I'm happy Gods mercy is on me if I was a drug addict I would of been dead by now. I'm happy I went to Church  5 years ago hating God, life and everything in it. I'm happy I wanted a baby 5 years ago because had it not been for that miracle.

I could of been a prostitute, or at a bar every night looking for one night stands till I caught something. I could of been allot of things. But I'm here alive, Gods not done with me yet. Now I'm just here to say I'm here to conquer I'm not going to quit maybe this time ill last longer if not figure out why I'm doing what I do. 

The Runner

He tries to cacth me On cement roads
GOD and his big hands
His White luminescent hands
Try and try
I run Faster
Faster
Till outta breath
He wants me
That's all he ask four
He try's to show me love and kindness
Like the quiet waters and creeks of the California mountains
He says My water is warm and safe
I will pull you through the storms
I Cry tear drops when YOU suffer
Whether its your fault or not
I struggle to try to get out of his grasp
He says but you are chosen
You are chosen
You are mine you are mine
I scream but the pain
But the pain
My stomach begins to churn with nervousness
He sees the wounds and battle scars
Deep and brown with ridges  
The pain
The old brown eyes that hide behind the new shiny 21 year old ones
The mixed vapors of human flesh is I
I blessed creation
A baby
A name on his hand
I am his
Don't run He cries
Don't run He cries

Chapter 9 Speaking Up

Sometimes we do stupid things because we hurt infact,  most addicts or (at least me) tend to do self destructive crap because, of an unresolved issue either subconsciously or consciously. I feel better when I talk about it, there is a power that is gone when I speak. Make's me feel light when I begin to talk little by little about my life (the Details).The chains of my past begin to loosen on me.  (not that my life in retrospect was that bad ) lucky I wasn't born in Africa or a 3rd world. The bible says life and death come from the tongue I think today I chose life.

Chapter 8 The Morning After

 The morning after most relapses  causes allot of thinking . I realized Its not pornography I deal with but a deeper issue like most issues. But I know I have a choice in the matter I cant control my tendency but I can choose to my sobriety. Easy feat? I think not but it is easier to suffer now than suffer the impending consequences of tomorrow. I honestly have no clue how ill beat my addiction all I know Is I have to... With that being the only I truly know. I will never quit trying .

Relapse

So I relapsed today . I wont say how but I'm very disappointed in myself OK I watched porn it doesn't matter the time whether it was 4 mins or 5 hours when you relapse you relapse. But I realize now this has to do more with sexual addiction than porn. I really can do with out the porn if I had a spouse but good is having several (monogamous) partners if they re aren't your husband and haven't committed to you and whats the point in masturbation if all ill think about if scenarios that are lustful and pornographic.I have a very unhealthy sexuality and until I let God have I will struggle .... I don't know what I'm going to do.

Chapter 7 Honor Your Body

To all you sex addicts and women who don't appreciate the sanctity of their bodies honor it remember it it the only body and mind you will ever get use it wisely. If your have a sexual addiction don't watch porn or shows with innuendos also don't masturbate if it triggers you wanting more sex and places you in a place were you need more than that . Masturbation is natural part of the human functioning but can cause problems for those with sexual issues . Talk to your counselor, group or psychologist if you have a sexual addiction or problem and see what is right for you.Understand one body one mind and soul self control is hard consequences are harder. I'm a testament to it.

Beauty

Physical beauty fades, who will you be in order to be a testament to true beauty? Understand you will grow old, your body will break down, and hopefully your children will out live you. It is the impact and difference you leave behind that will be the honor that will never fade. Beauty is all encompassing , in accordance with love, it is not man made, superficial or un-natural in fact it is the very presence and existence of Gods physical presence. Think about next time you see Vogue . (note: Im guilty of forgetting this all the time)

Chapter 6 How Do You Become a Strong Woman?

My heart is always mine
But it is his too
It is red
and blue
How do I make it strong Lord?
How do I let it fortify my body?
How do I let it turn me in to Woman?
My heart gives me the blood to live,
And the strength my body needs,
My heart is the keeper of our Souls
My heart holds hope
It holds the brokenness
The burns and blisters inside
Puffed and swollen
Lord how do I surrender.
How do I become a strong Woman?
Your strong woman,
I'm clueless.

My Hopes

I hope my home is filled with laughter.
With pitter patters.
And play dates.
And teens.
and eventually grandchildren.
I hope my home lingers with happy memories and joy.
With warmth and laughter.
My strength will grow because I'm determined.
I will get stronger to be a mom someday.
These are my hopes.

Chapter 5 How to Love

"Whereas the object and purpose of our instruction and charge is love, which springs from a pure heart and a good (clear) conscience and sincere (unfeigned) faith"1 Tim 1:5 . Love can create many things children, relationships, self esteem, confidence, in fact I believe it is the root of our total existence. The origins from which we were given this gift is God but will remain untapped if we so choose.I realize maybe my faith lies somewhere in the 12 steps instead or hope in the meds , people among other random things at times . But I usually forget to respect the  fact that it is our creator who made these tools as a means to help us. Lord if anything before I die teach me to love. I mean truly love, I'm sure life would be better off.

Why I want to Choose recovery

I'm trying to figure out why I choose recovery why I'm trying to let go of the past why I'm trying to choose God over Me. I swear I sabotage myself with steely knifes (figuratively)(war within) if could, inside there's a war worse than spy vs. spy. Its like every day I need a fix of something to fill the gap to give me a little pleasure and subdue the pain or frankly the numbness. Sometimes I  like trouble because I get bored. I have forgotten my God I don't why keep coming back to the old me while trying to fight for the new me. Why I go therapy, take drugs for bipolar, read the bible at least 2-3 times a week, praying every night God change me. Sometimes I wounder were my hunger went for God or Recovery Ive probably been in it for so long. Its become a repetitive habit something you do out of habit. I want to fall in love for a life time now at the moment I don't know how. I'm tried of emotionally sabotaging myself.  

Chapter 4 Tired

I'm really tired today I apologized to my psychiatrist . My day was busy I feel Like crap worst of all I haven't been to Church in weeks and haven read the bible I mean really read the bible in days and I'm supposed to have allot done in these next three days when do I just get to have fun or chill?
I'm trying to find something to make me fall in love with God again because honestly my faith has reached a plateau I'm not in love the way I used to be with God I want to return to him as my everything.

I Forget He Loves me

I forget God loves me
I forget im not alone
Whether im relasping  crying far from home
I forget God loves me
When I take a drink
When I want to end it
When I dont stop to think
I forget he crys when I suffer in my fears
With the constant shiny knifes and the monsters that appear
I forget he is a hero who took me out of this
Now I have to remember is how  to fall in love with Him

Chapter 3 Drive

Dear God

Were did my drive go as I look in retrospect I realize I'm morally wiser today than I was yesterday but intellectually stupider than I was the day before. I read some high school paper old drawings I used to be so creative ambitious POSITIVE even. Now Ive wanted the American dream so badly couple that with wanting children I choose to forget were I am in reality. Maybe that is why I feel the shame in my bones when they read my diagnosis or people point out the imperfections in me maybe I was not built for a step ford wife. I can pretend and play happy with all the others, bake, cook and hopefully learn to have sex well with my( future ) spouse and strive to be the best at it. I fantasize so much of perfect and how it the look of it (looks) more than anything. I often forget were I am here and now.My life isn't perfect, my bed isn't roses or any other bloom for that matter my bed it is a firm mattress, and as  reality set in I want to cry because I cant control everything. Not like in the fantasy I've wanted to build and gave up my life for and time for pretending.  

Chapter 2 Success

Success everyone wants it few have it . I'm guilty as charged honestly these past few months have been hard its takes some self discipline. For example I today id like to relapse with the sex  issue I vowed to stay celibate and relationshipless until I get married and am happy with myself. The positives you don't have to worry about taking care of a man his needs or wants its all about you. Bad side you see everyone around your age get married engaged and you wish you were stable enough to do so . Life Is so much better enjoyed when your whole and happy. I guess its the fantasy of being with someone else after a failed relationship of 2 years and several years of never really being single. Men are just a habit I have better relationships with friends than with men then I usually attract either assholes or things I need to fix honestly I don't have time to fix anyone or push anyone any more so yea I guess these are the reasons why I SHOULD STAY SINGLE . I also one more important thing I need to LEARN TO LOVE ME.         

My Therapist

Lord knows I need therapy

This is the issue up until about 14 or actually never I've never told the truth to any of my therapists , except one I was losing it I hit manic depression, and would hear and see things that honestly weren't there not to mention I had beliefs that usually don't personify my temperament... The point is she bothered to genuinely care, always asked if I wanted to drink something and text ed me in my stint at a mental institution to see if I was OK. Honestly because I disappeared. The psychologist before didn't help and honestly not sure if he even cared. I think the one that I have now cares the issue is we don't agree on everything . (OK almost nothing )I'm terrified of trusting her shes not mean, we laugh honestly at times I wish she was my friend I get closer to friends sometimes that'd way she'd know me . I realize my trust issues have so baldy ruined our work and my perspective I'm afraid all she wants to do is med me up and honestly I'm 21 and bipolar and have a personality disorder (she thinks ). Infact sometimes going into her office never brings any good news its like every symptom sometimes can brings a new diagnosis to the point were I don't know what the hell is what or if the terms are all the same. I get home depressed don't eat and sleep for two hours sometimes the visits exhaust me(physically). This wasn't what I envisioned 21 to be . I know she care's I know to some degree she sees pain and she wants to fix it . God cant help you if you don't surrender. The truth is this is the 3rd time I've been diagnosed with bipolar my uncle diagnosed me a second time and someone before that did too it was that or ADHD. Maybe if we prayed before therapy Id want to feel Gods presence. Honestly I want to make sure that I can see a little of what she sees before I change therapist if were not compatible I don't want to waste her time (anymore of it ) . I love her as a person though one of the most amazing people I've ever met very lucky I think I owe her an apologie. Horrible setting though and possibly bad timing.        

The Butterflies

Here's the poem of the day.

The Butterflies

God waits for me with Wings
Even though I am a caterpillar
He waits patiently
With the wings of blue and pink
He waits patiently with wings that cannot sink
He has a song for me a million miles to come
With all the butterflies and healing
His tears for me are won
His kisses are like butter flies that float amongst the air
That are with me when I'm lonely
That caress my hair
Don't forget when your feeling blue that those are the butterflies that will never leave you.

Chapter 1

Okay so I had to delete my old blog to create a new one. I'm not the same person I was three years ago . I hope if anyone were to stumble upon this blog it'll give you hope. I'm an addict, not a drug addict but relationship, alcohol,porn addict, sexual addict. We all have our vices some people more than others, some people admit more than others. I hope this heals me as much as it heals you. I hope if and when you read we can walk together into recovery. Remember theres hope in your pain, tears make you stronger and if I'm the only one who's there for you (in spirit ) know GOD loves you just the way you are whether your sticking needle's in your arm or binging to be "beautiful". Please leave comments vomit!!!! write your stories on this blog encourage others as well as myself with your stories.