God Loves Me GRRRR

SO I realize God definitely loves me me has always provided everything ive ever needed .. Want however are another thing . Its hard sometimes to wait for the very thing you want sooooooooo baldy is the most painful thing but knowledge wise it is the best. I tend to jump from relationship to relation boy to boy i haven't yet met a man. Maybe because I am not yet a woman so I attract what apart of me is . But then again apart of me isn't . I just have never been alone and content . I should be though I need to be happy with myself and who I am today . God want me to wait and I swear some days are harder than others . I know im not ready for a relationship or marriage but between the God shaped hole that cant be filled and the sense of loneliness well ???? I don't know whether to read the bible more or pray or what ... I'm not alone I have friends family and a very full life .. So what the point waiting wouldn't be such a very bad idea but im so impatient forgive me for my complaints discipline is so hard for me and i fear every one else in the world ...

The Good life

What is the good life ? In my 21 years of age I feel lost so many decisions so many choices and it doesn't get any easier  one day at a time but when it comes to thousands of dollars of debt in college you have to choose you cant dilly dally around . Plus distraction like men , ideas feelings of misplacement and well everything else its like were do you go from here?College isn't easy , neither is life I think about my future what i want kids , a family a good job low stress and a good income but in essence what i am i doing to prepare for that I always want, want, want, and what do I need and how is it going to fit into my life ? Honestly 21couldnt be harder in trying to find the thing that fit me and my personality versus what i need to do in life Lord help me ...  

Chapter 14 Men and the Army

There are 2 things I regret in life one letting the men in my past control my actions future actions and as times joining the Army I'm not trying to sound unpatriotic here. But I'm not the best solider I'm to nervous with weapons I fail at ground guiding and never smile in my uniform honestly at times I don't like the thanks I get from people... Why? because I haven't earned it and never will I will never deploy , because of my mental health  and so far to my company I feel and seem useless and miserable and truthfully I feel at times I am not because of the army but because of how I'm not good at doing anything in the army. I can drive salute and remember things medically pertinent to my job but hate stress in fact cant function under it and don't do well with authority that I have to impress because I stress out plus when i get nervous everything seems to fall apart quickly then I make an ass at my self not because i try too but my memory isn't good. Its not an IQ thing or in fact   its the way I learn thing I do better with out stress or being in front of people and with repetition. Also when I tend to just do things and not think about them I seem to carry more control more calm. I want to be good , at anything i tend to do but in life i have my priorities thus far school, work, family , myself , God , friends, military, roommates ext ext.Military I tend to put last on my list why because I don't  enjoy it and it all goes back to because I'm not good at it which goes back to I don't function well under stress or authority or people that intimidate the crap out of me for no apparent reason.I love the military in general and what it stands for . but in the end I've come to the realization it is not for me I don't feel like a solider I don't do well at it and I'm not enjoying it most of the time... Again its not the early wake up formation chow rules I can do good behavior I'm just not good solider wise what people will you at how you carry yourself in uniform how you shoot your knowledge about the military how you lead most of all people like looks they like the facade but in the end im not one to put up a facade or looks I am what I am. Artistic , funny , strong willed , stubborn, Loveable , transparent ,nervous,  a good friend , a good daughter, soft spoken, kind , giving, intelligent, beautiful... I'm a lot of things good things ask the people who really know me if you really know you would know my characteristics my weaknesses my humanness. Any one who thinks different can honestly at this point kiss my ass. You don't know me and what Ive been through my plans the tears Ive put in school work or even the army. Yes at one point I did try sometimes you can only fail so many times until you realize this wasn't your calling you should have listened to the voice deep inside you but i did it and I intend to finish my promise to the government i swore to God myself and my country, in all that life tried to bend me over and i fought back with the strength of God. It is my duty and obligation to do what is right tend to the promises I make its hard sometimes.                     

Bird Call

I look for your chirp
Little bird
Little Bird
WHO WHO WHO
I look for your chirp
WHO WHO WHO
Once upon a time we were ONE ONE ONE
Little Bird
Little Bird
I'm looking for end
Of  the hole in my HEART
The consuming Enemy of the
DARK DARK DARK
OWL eye's
Call me to Darker place
But LIGHTS ARE were they see your face
Can you call me one more time
Lead me to the candle light
Don't let the holes consume the last of me
With one last breath I ask you to
LEAD LEAD LEAD

Chapter 12 Three Years

Its funny what happens in 3 years. The mistakes you make in life , how you live your life , the consequences that come back to haunt you . Today I had and STD scare I will get my results on Friday because of what I did three years ago I pay today. Now I hold the responsibility of telling the people I might have infected . All for sleeping with some one who wasn't worth it I beg anyone who reads this please RESPECT your body and HEART. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO SEX ADDICTS . THIS IS THE PRICE THEY PAY.. I WARN YOU DON'T BE LIKE ME. IN FACT I BEG YOU DON'T BE LIKE ME. IT ONLY TOOK ONE TIME FOR SOME ONE I DIDN'T EVEN LOVE and NOW I MIGHT HAVE AN STD.THE WORST PART IS I MIGHT HAVE INFECTED THE MAN I LOVE AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART.I WISH I MET YOU BEFORE I MET HIM I WOULD HAVE NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU LIKE THIS.THREE years ago the mistakes I made have now come back to haunt me I'M 21 my name is ALEXA ROBLES I'M MORE THAN MY MISTAKES TRIALS ERRORS CONSEQUENCES AND WORDS I'M HUMAN.      

Chapter 11 Depression and the Music that Soothes the Soul

 I realize I am on a binge the truth is emotionally I am in a allot of emotional pain. The more pain I'm the more I like to hurt myself emotionally because the temporary make me feel in the physical since or even in my the emotional since good . Like cutters who cut themselves to release the rapid pain. I feel in a since dead and alive wondering when will I let my past realise me ? Or will this be an ever battle where I slip and fall and chase my tail looking for the anecdote. The truth is today I looked at my past and all of its dark chapters I wonder how Ive ever came out as "healthy" as I have been but in this binge I hurt more than ever. Like performing an operation on your self one can never succeed without doctors and nurses to help heal and for myself honestly fixing myself is futile. I would have succeeded by now so I listen to music and want to cry its the only thing that soothes at the moment.   

I'll Make You A Believer

Sticks and stones may break your bones
Break your bones
Break your bones
The bleach of the sun may white the bones
White the bones
White the bones
I'm promise I'm no deceiver ill make you a believer
The tears of the sun are on my back
On my back
On my back
The tears of the sun of on my back
On my Back
On my Back
Ill make you a believer that I am no deceiver
Im a re-liver unless you make me your forgiver
Not looking for perfection in human reflection
As ashes rise mud may fall
Mud may fall
Mud may fall
Come on now make me your believer that I am no deceiver
The wolf he will prowl and then he'll bawl
For losing you is the hardest fall
Hardest fall
Hardest fall
Make me your believer trust that I am no deceiver