Chapter 14 Men and the Army

There are 2 things I regret in life one letting the men in my past control my actions future actions and as times joining the Army I'm not trying to sound unpatriotic here. But I'm not the best solider I'm to nervous with weapons I fail at ground guiding and never smile in my uniform honestly at times I don't like the thanks I get from people... Why? because I haven't earned it and never will I will never deploy , because of my mental health  and so far to my company I feel and seem useless and miserable and truthfully I feel at times I am not because of the army but because of how I'm not good at doing anything in the army. I can drive salute and remember things medically pertinent to my job but hate stress in fact cant function under it and don't do well with authority that I have to impress because I stress out plus when i get nervous everything seems to fall apart quickly then I make an ass at my self not because i try too but my memory isn't good. Its not an IQ thing or in fact   its the way I learn thing I do better with out stress or being in front of people and with repetition. Also when I tend to just do things and not think about them I seem to carry more control more calm. I want to be good , at anything i tend to do but in life i have my priorities thus far school, work, family , myself , God , friends, military, roommates ext ext.Military I tend to put last on my list why because I don't  enjoy it and it all goes back to because I'm not good at it which goes back to I don't function well under stress or authority or people that intimidate the crap out of me for no apparent reason.I love the military in general and what it stands for . but in the end I've come to the realization it is not for me I don't feel like a solider I don't do well at it and I'm not enjoying it most of the time... Again its not the early wake up formation chow rules I can do good behavior I'm just not good solider wise what people will you at how you carry yourself in uniform how you shoot your knowledge about the military how you lead most of all people like looks they like the facade but in the end im not one to put up a facade or looks I am what I am. Artistic , funny , strong willed , stubborn, Loveable , transparent ,nervous,  a good friend , a good daughter, soft spoken, kind , giving, intelligent, beautiful... I'm a lot of things good things ask the people who really know me if you really know you would know my characteristics my weaknesses my humanness. Any one who thinks different can honestly at this point kiss my ass. You don't know me and what Ive been through my plans the tears Ive put in school work or even the army. Yes at one point I did try sometimes you can only fail so many times until you realize this wasn't your calling you should have listened to the voice deep inside you but i did it and I intend to finish my promise to the government i swore to God myself and my country, in all that life tried to bend me over and i fought back with the strength of God. It is my duty and obligation to do what is right tend to the promises I make its hard sometimes.